That I May Know Him

Over three years ago I was sitting in Church and heard the news that 5 young siblings had been killed in a tragic truck accident. The family were relatives of a family in our church. It was heartbreaking. I remember later in the service singing the song "I surrender all". "All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all", but my mind was saying, "not my children Lord!".

What I didn't know at the time was that I was pregnant with a very precious little boy who we would later name Elijah. I also didn't know that God in His wisdom would teach me a very painful but wonderful lesson about surrender with this gift I was carrying.

A few months later God captivated me with a verse that I really didn't understand the meaning of. "That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;" Philippians 3:10 Hmm. deep verse, but what does it mean in my life? Without a doubt, if you ask that question He is going to show you. And he did show me in a very amazing way. I had no idea what was about to consume my life. I had no idea how it would impact the way I viewed Him.

When we found out that Elijah had Downs and a major heart defect we were devastated, heart broken and felt really lost. Why God? Why him? Why us? We were urged to abort but knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that was not the right thing to do. It would have been the easy way out but not the way we knew God wanted us to go. So we stood firm and walked on. After the initial shock had worn off and a lot of pep talks and support from wonderful people we moved into the faith mode. This baby was going to be a miracle baby! God was going to do a wonderful thing with this baby and show all those doctors who is really the boss!

Elijah was born and in the beginning it seemed that might be God's plan but then Elijah's heart began to fail. Surgery kept him from going into heart failure but he developed other problems. During one of our emergency visits to children's Hospital I was at my wits end. Tired and discouraged I was praying over our little baby. His breathing was labored and he was exhausted as well. I cried out to God and said "please help my baby breath!" I just could not understand why He would just let this happen. At that moment I felt this warm arm around my shoulder, in my head or my heart or however He spoke, He said "I understand how you feel". That was it. But I knew exactly what He was saying. "I stood over MY SON and watched Him suffer, I watched my Son die". I have never felt so close to God in my whole life. Of course he knows how I feel! But now I knew in a very small human way how HE felt. I felt a new fellowship with God I had never felt before. Not a social fellowship but a small connection to His suffering I had not experienced before.

I could tell you so many other stories of His presence when Elijah was on this earth. God was so close, I felt Him, I heard Him. I look back at that experience as being on of the most painful in my life but also one of the most amazing! In Elijah's suffering, in my suffering God was there and He showed Himself in amazing ways. He showed me His power and in that power I knew I could do nothing. Myself alone could not do what I had to do. I put that little baby in His arms and said "your will, not mine". In doing that with faith and trust I learned to know and trust in Him, and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings being conformed unto His death". I had to give up, surrender, lay myself at the foot of the cross of suffering and take the cup that was handed to me. I drank.

You would think I would be changed forever by this experience. Well, in many ways I am but in other ways it was so easy to go back to my comfy life and forget. Forget His power and my limitedness. But you know, every time I walk by a picture of Elijah I remember...

I guess that is what Easter is all about. Seeing, remembering and bringing us closer to His suffering and the power of His resurrection. In this we can know that we are powerless but loved and forgiven. He died and we are forgiven for this reason and this reason only.