That I May Know Him

Over three years ago I was sitting in Church and heard the news that 5 young siblings had been killed in a tragic truck accident. The family were relatives of a family in our church. It was heartbreaking. I remember later in the service singing the song "I surrender all". "All to thee my blessed Savior, I surrender all", but my mind was saying, "not my children Lord!".

What I didn't know at the time was that I was pregnant with a very precious little boy who we would later name Elijah. I also didn't know that God in His wisdom would teach me a very painful but wonderful lesson about surrender with this gift I was carrying.

A few months later God captivated me with a verse that I really didn't understand the meaning of. "That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;" Philippians 3:10 Hmm. deep verse, but what does it mean in my life? Without a doubt, if you ask that question He is going to show you. And he did show me in a very amazing way. I had no idea what was about to consume my life. I had no idea how it would impact the way I viewed Him.

When we found out that Elijah had Downs and a major heart defect we were devastated, heart broken and felt really lost. Why God? Why him? Why us? We were urged to abort but knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that was not the right thing to do. It would have been the easy way out but not the way we knew God wanted us to go. So we stood firm and walked on. After the initial shock had worn off and a lot of pep talks and support from wonderful people we moved into the faith mode. This baby was going to be a miracle baby! God was going to do a wonderful thing with this baby and show all those doctors who is really the boss!

Elijah was born and in the beginning it seemed that might be God's plan but then Elijah's heart began to fail. Surgery kept him from going into heart failure but he developed other problems. During one of our emergency visits to children's Hospital I was at my wits end. Tired and discouraged I was praying over our little baby. His breathing was labored and he was exhausted as well. I cried out to God and said "please help my baby breath!" I just could not understand why He would just let this happen. At that moment I felt this warm arm around my shoulder, in my head or my heart or however He spoke, He said "I understand how you feel". That was it. But I knew exactly what He was saying. "I stood over MY SON and watched Him suffer, I watched my Son die". I have never felt so close to God in my whole life. Of course he knows how I feel! But now I knew in a very small human way how HE felt. I felt a new fellowship with God I had never felt before. Not a social fellowship but a small connection to His suffering I had not experienced before.

I could tell you so many other stories of His presence when Elijah was on this earth. God was so close, I felt Him, I heard Him. I look back at that experience as being on of the most painful in my life but also one of the most amazing! In Elijah's suffering, in my suffering God was there and He showed Himself in amazing ways. He showed me His power and in that power I knew I could do nothing. Myself alone could not do what I had to do. I put that little baby in His arms and said "your will, not mine". In doing that with faith and trust I learned to know and trust in Him, and the power of His Resurrection and the fellowship of His sufferings being conformed unto His death". I had to give up, surrender, lay myself at the foot of the cross of suffering and take the cup that was handed to me. I drank.

You would think I would be changed forever by this experience. Well, in many ways I am but in other ways it was so easy to go back to my comfy life and forget. Forget His power and my limitedness. But you know, every time I walk by a picture of Elijah I remember...

I guess that is what Easter is all about. Seeing, remembering and bringing us closer to His suffering and the power of His resurrection. In this we can know that we are powerless but loved and forgiven. He died and we are forgiven for this reason and this reason only.

An Alabaster Box of Thankfulness

I am thankful.

I could be more thankful.

I should be more thankful!

I admit I am spoiled and I take too many of life's blessings for granted. I have more than most people in the world just because I have a roof over my head and food to eat. I have a loving husband and a healthy growing family. So why am I not so overwhelmed with thankfulness.

I read Luke 7 this morning. Their is a story in this chapter about a women who anointed Jesus' feet with expensive oil, washed them with her tears and dried them with her hair. The Pharisees in the house were aghast. She was a sinner.

Jesus says "For this reason I say to you, her sins, which are many, have been forgiven, for she loved much; but he who is forgiven little , loves little."

You could say that I am a pretty "good" person. Never been arrested, never murdered, try to be honest and trustworthy. BUT believing this is a trap. It is the trap of ungratefulness. Those Pharisees thought they were great people. Followed the laws, dressed right, ate right, did all the right things but Jesus knew they could not feel the grace of God through their self righteousness.
We all fall into this trap sometimes. We can look like a upstanding Christians but the outside skin only tells a small part of our story. It is the inside that Jesus focus's on. The heart that is capable of murder just by hate, the heart that is guilty of adultery just by lust. We do a great job of hiding all this.

The woman who so boldly wept on Jesus' feet didn't care what other people thought. She knew her sin and was not trying to hide it. In fact she was willing to humiliate herself in front of those who acted as her judge. In her heart she must have know who her real judge was.

She displayed this humble act of love for the world to see for many generations to come.

And He forgave her.

This story really reminded me what I am really thankful for. I am thankful for all I have, but I think I am more thankful for the forgiveness that is undeservedly given to me, a sinner, by Jesus. If everything else were gone from this world I would still have that...

and I know it would be enough.

Fireproof

Chris and I have been married for 8 years, 2 months and about 9 days. Really I'm not counting, I had to figure that out. :o)



In those 8+ years and 1.5 years of dating we have never gone to see a movie together. Pretty amazing huh? Well, Monday night we left the troops at home with cardboard pizza and left in the mini van. We made our way to the long forsaken territory. After getting past the sticker shock and discussing the 75 cent matinae's we used to attend (feeling a little old at this point) we cautiously made our way to the popcorn counter. We stood in line behind the guy that might as well not been wearing pants because most of his boxers were visible and he had to hold the pants to keep from loosing them, and were entertained by rockin music videos. The sticker shock of the popcorn was lessened as we had become a little acclimatized to this experience. The next shock was that as we sat down in the theater we were "entertained" with commercials. Now that's a new one!



The movie we saw is called Fireproof. All I am going to say is that if you are married go see it. If you hope to be married some day, go see it. You will not regret it. Even with the commercials.



Chris and I probably won't be going to a movies any time soon again. Not that we did not enjoy the experience, we do need to get out of our little bubble once in awhile. It is just there are not any movies worth seeing. This is another reason you need to see this movie. We need to support what is good. We need these kind of movies that show people what God's desire for life and marriage is. This movie portrays the healing of a very bad marriage, God's way. Just think what positive impact movies like this could have. Many people won't set foot in a Church but will go see a movie. I am not one who believes much in media driven religion but I do see how this can touch people and change lives. Even of those of us who love God and try to make our marriage work.



Go see it and after you recover financially get the "Love Dare" book.



Blessings,

Lori

Juggling, My New Adventure

No, I am not juggling balls, like circus clowns. What I am juggling is working on my new business, taking care of my family, trying to homeschool and getting settled in our new Church. I do feel like a circus clown sometimes. My family is the audience and I am running around the ring juggling my tasks, going from one to the other. They have been helpful, most of the time, and very supportive. They clap and cheer when I get an order at my new web site and they stand in awe when I finally get their favorite cereal or the toilet paper we are almost out of.

Yes, it has been a challenge but it has been an adventure too. What would life be without adventure! No, I am not talking about exploring the jungles of the Amazon rain forest, or river rafting down a raging river. It is the everyday adventures that we take head on because we feel a passion for it. It is the love of giving, loving and serving others. I am not going to get rich with my new web site. Take a look at the prices and you will know that. But I am meeting beautiful people and serving them to the bets of my abililty. Not only that, this computer illiterate, 43 year old mom has dived into the cyber world and learned a thing or two. Of course I have a real live human life line, Josh, who comes to my rescue and has had the patience of Job.

So, come check out my new adventure! http://www.modestatheartclothing.com/

What adventures are you undertaking in your life?

Lori

The Shack

I am reading a book that has really captured my life at this moment. It has significantly moved my thinking to another time and space. It has reminded me of who God really is and how He revealed Himself to me when I needed Him most. This view of God had become cloudy but now it is clearer and this book helped me see again.

When I was sitting in the hospital with Elijah I saw, felt and experience God deeper than I ever have in my life. He was so real. I knew He was with me. I couldn't have made it through without Him. He showed Himself as a God of love, patience and understanding. I knew that He was in control and that whatever happened He would be there with me and that made everything OK.

The book The shack has brought this picture of God back to my understanding. Reminding me of His constant love and care. If I could buy it for everyone I know I would. I know some with not accept it. Some because they cannot move from their own view of God and others because they don't want to know Him. It doesn't matter. Even if you read this book just for the story it will touch your life. It is a novel, an allegory, but it is so much more.

Hannah's Home!

Beth's b-day


4th of July

It has been so awesome to have Hannah home from Puerto Rico! It has been so much fun to just hang out with friends and spend time with family. We really have missed her!

Two years ago you came into our lives

Two years ago today we had the most beautiful baby boy God could have given us. His name was Elijah Lucas Appel. We named him Elijah because God took the prophet Elijah up to heaven in a chariot. He did not die. We knew Elijah our son might die so we wanted to give him a strong name. A name that represented life everlasting.
Elijah was a little prophet himself. His smile was infectious. He could draw you into his world with his clear blue/gray eyes. They painted a picture of love, trust and something else that was not of this world. Something that words cannot express.

I do wish Elijah was still with us. Yet, I know that he is where he should be. I rest in that. I do not regret nor do I ponder on the what ifs. It was an experience I will never forget. It was hard and heartbreaking at times but I felt the presence of God like no other time in my life. Every moment was precious and meaningful. Elijah's life was not a tragedy or a waste. His every breath was a message and his life was a testimony. If we catch that message and see that testimony then his life is more meaningful that some that healthy and live until they are old.

Dear sweet Elijah,
I will never forget you! Being your mommy was a gift I will treasure the rest of my life. I can't wait to see you again.
Love,
Your mommy