Bless our God

Bless our God, O peoples,
Give Him grateful thanks
and make the voice of His praise be heard,
Who put and kept us among the living,
and has not allowed our feet to slip.
For you, O God, have proved us;
You have tried us as silver is tried,
refined, and purified.
You brought us into the net (the prison fortress, the dungeon);
You laid a heavy burden upon our loins.
You caused men to ride over our heads;
we went through fire and through water,
but you brought us out into a broad, moist place
[to abundance and refreshment and the open air]
Psalm 66:8-18 AMP

My mind has not come to a place that I can articulate my thoughts in writing yet.
I do feel like God has really tried us and refined us (and still is). I marvel at the strength that God has blessed our family with. I am amazed at what God has taught us. I have been reflecting on it all and really want to share it. I just need a little time to gather my thoughts.

My hope now is even stronger. My hope is that we now can live what we have been taught. That we never go back to what we were. We will be forever changed by Elijah's presence in our lives.

I spent hours praying for Elijah and seeking God. I don't want to lose that. There is so much to pray for, so many people in need of prayer. Right now my concentration is shot. I am feeling a little aimless. But the hope of God is still very strong in me and I am looking to Him for comfort in this time of grief. He knows and cares.

Our family is doing a lot of visiting this week and some long overdue chores. We are also going to set a temporary grave marker on Elijah's grave. It will be nice to go back to the cemetery. We have beautiful memories there.

The air is fresh and filled with SNOW at our house today! We have been blessed.

Lori

A special touch from God

This is a short version of our experience yesterday. My thoughts are still jumbled and my brain feels like jello so bare with me. I hope to be able to write it all out someday so that I will always remember.

Yesterday we said our goodbyes to Elijah's earthly body. It was a day of sorrow but it was a beautiful day as well. I want to cement it in my mind for the rest of my life.

Our family has had various ways we have dealt with death and mourning in our past. Be assured it has always been the American conventional way. It doesn't have to be that way...
As our pastor Ron, Chris and I sat at the funeral home and contemplated how we would view Elijah's body as a family, we came to the conclusion that we should bring him home. Our children didn't even have to think about it, they agreed. So, We brought Elijah to our home in his little white casket. That evening we sat around him and talked about him and prayed together as a family. Even though we knew he was not present with us it was important that he came home.
Wednesday morning we put the casket in the car and drove it to the Church. The service was beautiful. It was a beautiful tribute to Elijah and God his Creator.
Afterwards we had a meal together and were loved on by so many people.
The burial was at a little country cemetery up the road from Peace Lutheran Church. The sun was shining, the birds were singing and the little frogs were croaking. We sang and prayed. As we were praying the sun was shining right on my face. I lifted it up and felt the warmth of the sun so sweetly on my face. It was like a special touch from God. We then took the toys from his casket and shut the lid. Alex helped lower the tiny casket into the hole. Ron our pastor asked if we wanted to put the first shovel of dirt on it. Chris put the first few and then me, then our older children. We just stood in silence for awhile. Then many others from our community of loved ones came, one by one they helped bury our baby. I cannot tell you how powerful that was to me. It was a bonding together and the realization that these brothers and sisters were willing to carry our burden with us, even to bury our little boy. This was not planned in our earthly realm, but I know it was orchestrated by our Heavenly Father.

Hope unseen

Elijah Lucas Appel went to be with Jesus,
February 16, 2007

He was a fighter and we all had hope that he would someday come home again.
February 16th he was having some difficulty after having his breathing tube out for a day.
The docs decided to put it back in.
Elijah decided he was done with all that and his heart began to stop.
God had mercy and took him to heaven.
The hope unseen is the hope we will see him again someday.
No more pain, no more tears.
Living in God's presence.

We will miss him so much!
He has touched our lives and we will never be the same.

We love you Elijah!

Feeling that God blessed me with the most precious little boy!
Mommy

Progress, blessing and hope

Yesterday Elijah got his breathing tube out! We were so excited yet a bit skeptical that they might change their minds. They didn't and when I arrived at the hospital there was Elijah with his hands in his mouth just loving it. Today he is sucking on a pacifying very vigorously. He is a little grumpy probably due to a sore scratchy throat that is a result of having the breathing tube in for so long. His cry is so precious! I have not heard it for over a month.
Today Elijah is going down to interventional radiology to get a deep vein line that hopefully will last awhile. He needs it only because he has three more weeks of his 42 day course of antibiotics. I am trying not to look to far to the future but please excuse me I'm just going to dream for a minute. He can go home on IV antibiotics. OK, I'm done. That's all the dreaming I am going to do for now. {:o)
As much as we want to just relax and say he is getting better we need to keep in the back of our minds that he still pretty fragile and still has hurdles to get over.
God has answered so many of our prayers. We just can't forget that. Sometimes I forget when they are not answered imediately or in the way I expect. God is not a fast food God, His motto is not "have it your way". His ways are perfect. I can see this in our experience, I don't understand it but I see blessing and I see growth. I was reading in Romans 8 " For in this hope we were saved. But hope [the object of ] which is seen is not hope. For how can one hope for what he already sees? But if we hope for what is still unseen by us, we wait for it with patience and composure. " Read the rest because it talks about the Spirit inercededing for us because we do not know what to pray. That is so true. I pray for specific things and I pray for what I want but I don't know the big picture. What is best? So we don't need to stress about what to pray, we just hope even when we don't know what's going to happen and don't understand. That is freedom! I am free to hope for the unseen, the unlikely and the unimaginable.
All I know right now is that Elijah is such a blessing to all he comes in contact with. Yesterday the anesthiologist was just about in tears telling me what a beautiful boy he is and what a beautiful spirit he has. That is after only a few minutes of examining him. In some way Elijah touched him and it opened him up to talk about the beauty of these precious souls that the world says are not perfect. This doctor said, maybe it is all us that are not normal.
I could relay so many experiences here that were just a bit of God's picture of why we are where we are. If I only keep my eyes open they are there.
What a blessing!
Lori

"Come and dine"

As I lay in bed last night sick with the stomach flu, I began to imagine the scene in John 21 of Jesus making the disciples a meal. The disciples had been through a lot. They had faced disapointment, persecution, fear, grief and despair. They had watched Jesus, whom they loved, crusified. Now, The Lord Jesus was with them. He had arose and he was making them dinner over a fire by the seaside. He said "come and dine". What a savior! The Lord Jesus does not just sit up in heaven and look down on us with judgement. He ministers to our most basic needs. I also thought about Jesus washing the disiples feet. Again, ministering to a basic need. Not something even the most humble person usually does, but Jesus did it. The most amazing thing is that He does not do these thing for us with out giving us responsibility. In both cases He asks us to do the same to others. "If I then, your Lord and Master, have washed your feet; ye also ought to wash one another's feet." John 13:14 and He says "feed my sheep" John 21
So, as God ministers to my needs during times of crisis (or anytime), I then am to do likewise. As God is patient with me as I groan and feel sorry for myself, so should I be patient with others. Now, this is not easy. It is not easy to be patient with complaining, whining, inconciderate, nit picking, frustrating people. BUT unless I can say I am never that way, and I do expect God to be patient with me, then I am asked to do it.

Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me: yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. Psalm 57:1

Elijah is doing much better today. They have been able to wean down some of the medication he is on as well as the oxegen and nitric. They say he looks great. I have not seen him since last Saturday and I am going to make sure that we are totally over this bug until I visit again. It is heartbreaking but needful. They changed his room yesterday to a small neonatal ICU room. There is no sleep couch so we cannot stay over night with him in this room. I have not heard the explanation of why they put him in there. It is really hard being away. I feel so helpless at times. But as I have from the begining, I put Elijah in God's hands and believe he is watching out for him. Chris is with Elijah tonight.
Feeling blessed that Elijah is doing so well. Trying to feel blessed as we all recover from the stomach flu.
Lori

Surrender

As I lay in bed this morning I wondered what the day would bring. One child was throwing up yesterday and two had runny noses. My plan was to go to the hospital to see Elijah and then leave from there to go get Hannah from the airport. I had the sinking feeling that my plans were not going to materialize. So I prayed and surrendered my day to God. Whatever You have for me today I am just going to do. Good thing I did! As I started getting out of bed I heard the familiar echo from the bathroom. Vomitting, yup can't miss that sound. I knocked softly on the bathroom door and heard a quiet voice that sounded like Casey say "yah". On further observation I find Alex still a shade of green from yesterdays activities (vomitting). But you know what, everything has worked out fine. Judy so graciously volunteered to be the airport shuttle today since there is someone sick in every family at church and three people coming into the airport today at varrying times. Sonya brought us a lovely dinner and visited for awhile. Elijah has our super nurse that just loves him and takes extra special care of him. So all is well for the moment even in the midst of the days plans being dashed.

Elijah does have a fever today but other than that is doing well. I miss him and have not seen him since Saturday because of sickness. It brakes my heart not to see him but it would brake my heart even more if he got all these germs floating around our house.

I have spent the day taking care of the sick ones, doing laundry, cleaning bathrooms and keeping the little girls occupied. You know, I really have enjoyed it. I think it is because I just surrenderd this morning to whatever the day would bring. There is freedom in that.

Feeling blessed,
Lori

Faith to faith

I started reading Romans and was stuck my the phrase in chapter 1 v12. "That is, that we may be mutually strengthened and encouraged and comforted by each other's faith, both of yours and mine" AMP Version
A Christian friend who is also having an extended stay at the hospital brought another Christian women to meet us. Her child was supposed to be brain dead but after years he is showing signs of life in his brain. They have kept the faith all these years and she shared a bit about her experience with us. Her faith shared, strengthend, encouraged and comforted us. I thought about that experience as I read these verses and they came alive in my heart and my mind. What a vivid picture I could see of faith shared, and how important it is to do so.
"For therein is the righteousness of God revealed from faith to faith: as it is written, The just shall live by faith." Romans 1:17 KJV

Elijah is doing well again today. He is in isolation because they sent a viral culture to see if he has the virus we all have. He spiked a temp yesterday but other than that he has no symptoms. When you send off a viral culture it is protacol to be put in isolation. This meant we had to changed rooms from a double to a single room and everyone who comes in has to wear a bright yellow gown and mask. It is a pain but helps the virus to stay in the room and not get spead. They also took some more cutures to make sure his infection is not back. He looks great and has been pretty happy. He is really aware of the breathing tube and it really bugs him. I hope and pray they can take it out soon. His blood saturations are still not where they would like them and his blood pressure is hanging on the low end. He has taken off a lot of the fluid and looks like Elijah again. They are tube feeding him full feeds/calories but not breast mild yet. They really want to wait to see how his digestive tract does before they begin to feed him breastmilk.
I am home with Mary and Abby today. We still have a cold. Chris is at the hospital with Elijah. Hannah is still in Porto Rico and will come home Tuesday. Alex and Casey went to Church.
A little snuffly but feeling blessed.

God Knows

Today we had the meeting with all the docs, the social worker and three nurses. One of the first things the surgeon said is "we just don't know". All the tests and all the numbers and pressures and everything say Elijah should be getting better. They do not know why he is not. Surgery may or may not help him get better. The only surgery they would do would be a temporary fix and would not have any long term solutions. The concensus was not to do surgery but to wait and see if he might pull out of whatever is going on with him. The chances are not huge but it can happen.
Even though it may not sound like great news we all left feeling good about the meeting and on the same page with Elijah's care. We also talked to Elijah's cardiologist about how far we wanted to go with interventions like CPR and what we can do if it ever comes down to feeling we need to let go.
It is very hard for me to articulate all this. I did not expect anthing new but I feel at peace with the discussion and our plan for now even though it is more waiting.
God tells us over and over to wait on Him. I really don't like to wait. I get impatient in the grochery line and when the car in front of me is going way to slow. when God says wait He does not mean the waiting in line kind of waiting. It is a long term sort of wait, a waiting with expectation and hope. By now I am learning a great deal about this kind of waiting. I have lost count of the days Elijah has been in the hospital. It really does not matter at this point. I am trying to only look forward.
Elijah is doing better today. He is less swollen and has had a quiet day without drama. That is until they took him for a CT scan. Why? Well the infection control team says the infection he has can be linked to brain absess'. Our nurse today is from New Zealand and she says OIA, only in America. I guess in her mind it is not necessary. So down the hall they went with Elijah's bed, ventilator with O2 and Nitric O, IV's, and chest tubes. It only took four of them to get it all to the CT room. The doctors in the CICU were shaking their heads too. Oh well, OIA and feeling blessed.