Yesterday I took the crib down. It has been next to our bed since before Mary Kate was born. There is now a big empty space in our room. Every time I walk into the room it is very evident something is missing. Someone is missing. These little things seems so hard. It is just a reminder that Elijah is not here with us anymore. It is also a realization that our crib may never go up again. To me this is a loss as well. To some it might be a relief. Why would you want more children? Well, I feel differently. I love children. I always wanted a house full. When I have a baby it is one of the most joyful times. I love to see our children grow and develop personality. Why wouldn't you want children? They are such a blessing!
I do not look forward to the day my children leave home. I will be very happy for them, but I will really miss them. I do not desire "retirement" from mothering. I can't imagine my life without these precious souls to care for. I know that when the time comes God will fill my life with something else and I do look forward to what He has for Chris and I. But it will be a loss in our lives.
I guess the point I am trying to make is that I love my life. I would not trade it for anyone else's. I do not dream of another life, as I used to when I was young. I do not look to the future as being better than the here and now. I love the here and now. I love to watch my children grow and change. I love to live life with them. This is what I do best. I do not have a lot of talents but I do know that God made me a mom, and even though I know I have a lot of room for improvement this is my calling. This is my life work and I wouldn't have it any other way.
Pain and suffering is a part of life. The beauty is to be able to feel it completely as we also feel completely the joy that we are surrounded by.
"Moreover[let us also be full of joy now!] let us exult and triumph in our troubles and rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that pressure and affliction and hardship produce patient and unswerving endurance." Romans 5:3 AMP
I do not like to suffer. But I have found that fighting it makes me miserable. When I accept it, I grow. Then the next hardship is not quite as hard.
Today I will fill the empty space with the joy of my living children and the promise that we will see Elijah again someday.
Have a blessed Resurrection day!
Lori
Thursday, April 5, 2007
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1 comments:
Lori,
You say you don't have a lot of talents but one you do have is writing from your heart. Ever since Patty told me the story of Elijah and we first read your blog, I found a lump in my throat. Your strength amidst this pain that I can only fathom (and I don't want to even do that!) has been remarkable. Your love for children and your family is a beautiful thing. If we could all think of children as a blessing and our responsbilities as parents as joyful, watching the little ones grow and teaching them what they will need to know, this would be a better world. Keep being the best mother you can be, keep loving your children, keep striving to grow in all circumstances (leaning on Jesus through all) and keep blogging!!!
Blessings,
Kirk (husband to Patty)
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